My effing Thoughts

Testing

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 18:42:57 GMT

So this is a test to see if the iphone app i installed works. I want to start writing again it helps. So lets see if this works :)

Wow it has been awhile

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 05:43:56 GMT

I think in the past 3 years of my life, I think I have learned more about myself than I ever knew possible. I made a lot of new friends and moved on from some of my old ones. I use to be so bent on the fact that I never wanted to be forgotten, but sometimes its nice. In the past year I cleared a lot of stuff up, and got things off my chest, and moved on. I am still working on my flaws but hey, what can you do? I know I am a joke to a lot of people, but I am out to prove to them I am oh so much more.

I graduate college in december. I am freaking out, I am not prepared at all, nor do I think I want it to happen. I use to have this solid goal, this dream of what I wanted to do, and now I have nothing. I am so lost. I still have my passions in life, but I am not sure life wants me there. It's kind of weird to just toss life the keys and seeing where it may take me. Normally I have had control, but this is a real test.

I am turning 22 in 10 days, i am not ready. I never want to be older. 21 and invincible.

If only I was good enough in your eyes, I might be somewhere I loved today, but instead Ill make my own way....

Wow, Long time since my last post.

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 02:16:25 GMT

Wow, i always forget about this thing but it is always good to post in.

The past few months have been awesome, turned 21 and have been partying a lot. Not too much, but enough. I have been to chicago and hot lanta and now going to the bahamas. I have decided I like to travel, its fun. Recently I have been getting into school spirit and rooting for the bulls (go bulls). Tailgating is always awesome and fun to do. This past weekend got to see most of the FBR crew again, it was awesome to jump around and dance all night, though I am paying the price now. The next month is crammed with activities to do and I am not sure when it will end. I will have to say this past year really has become one of the best years ever. They seem to get better and better. It's weird I got a message from a guy I used to like and talk to a while back, he is getting married and wanted to send me an invitation. Its weird, him and I were good together and I screwed it up. ADVICE TO ALL: Dont let the good ones go, they just go out and meet another girl and marry them lol.

I am looking forward to the rest of the year. Hopefully more good things will come. :)

I never thought this day would come

Sat, 12 May 2007 02:13:45 GMT

Today, I put my two weeks notice in at FBR. I cried, it was so sad. I cant imagine leaving that place. I loved it so much. Everything I have gotten to do there, and experience was amazing. If anything should pop up in the future I will return there but right now I need to be else where. I feel like a kid that just got their training wheels taken off their bike. I am not sure if I can ride with out my safety wheels. My heart and soul was in that job, but you know I have to keep telling myself, i couldnt stay there forever, and i have a better opportunity in front of me. Uhgg, what to do. I feel so sad tonight. I bought a book so I wouldnt think about my last week next week. Its a good book I am glad a friend suggested it to me.

Other than leaving FBR, I have been doing good and hanging out. I am excited my awesomely cool super friend/psuedo sister is moving back to tampa for at least the summer, we will have fun and party alot. Since I will be 21 in 40 days. Thank god for that, it took me long enough.

I also got the best grades I have ever gotten in my college career, 3 a's and a c! hell ya. I could have had a "b" but i didnt care to much.

I am going to go read maybe pick up my guitar, who knows...

FBR, ILL MISS YOU <3

I think its time

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 02:46:55 GMT

I think that its time to leave this town. I really do, maybe in august ill just randomly move to a new city, one i do not know or have ever been to. Start a new life, find people who are new and fresh. Find new friends who will actually be friends, and maybe just be happier and figure out what i want in life. I am tired of being in my safety zone. I need to figure out what my next move is because time is closing in......

yeahhhhh......

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 02:54:08 GMT

The stage is set, the lights are low
The characters are in play
Your gaze, to the east
Mine, fixated on you
This, this right here is what I call love
My hope, my dream, my end
Your gaze will never return mine
I will never hear my name grace your lips
All I have is this moment
This gaze to capture all I can
Make believe any tale I can dream
Then it will end the moment you walk away
The second your last step fades in the distance
Is the second my mind races as my heart tries to keep up
What was it I saw in that moment
To make me feel this way
To make me want something I have lived without for so long
This will be the death of me if it hasn’t been already……

3 months and things have never been so clear

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 03:13:39 GMT

Three months straight of being in a high, drunk, non sober state of mind has really made things so clear for me. I realized that are things in this world I know I never want to live without and I realized where my heart is. I also learned that tampa will always be home to me no matter where I go. People who are suppose to be there for you never will be, and its ok. We need to learn to handle things on our own. My dad keeps telling me to keep the safety net while i still have it, but one day it will be gone. I dont want to be so dependant on the safety net we all need to live with out them....

there are so many maybes that need to be removed....

So here we go again

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 04:33:04 GMT

I never seem to ever know what to say when I type in these things, but here we go.

Life on a whole latley? Um good good, I am working two jobs, FBR and a Toyota dealership. Both are going very well, tiring but I have to do it. School was good this semester, I never went and still passed with a 3.0 not bad. I am an offical junior now, it was crazy to actually see the transcripts. It made me smile.

Um guys? Well, I have been talking back with a few ex boy friends and keep getting reminded why I broke up with them in the first place. Then I met this new kid, who doesnt treat me well at all, but I dont know I am bored, so I dont mind? I mean I like him but I could never be with someone that treats me so badly. He is very selfish and everything is about him. Its not right. But today...

Oh man, today was a good day, I actually got up the guts to give a guy ( stranger) my phone number. I was working at toyota today, and this guy came in and starting washing the windows, he had a sleve and some neck tattoos. He was very good looking, I couldnt stop watching him washing the windows, so right as he finished and i thought he was gonna leave, he went outside and was on his cell phone, not knowing how much time I had i kept thinking wether or not to give him my number randomly... I have never done anything like this before and I was so scared. I wrote my name and number on a post it note, and gave it to jaquie one of our sales people and asked her to bring it out to him.. he smile and asked if it was from me ( we made eye contact earlier and laughed) and she said yes. and he said he would call. AND HE DID!!!! we talked on the phone for an hour. it was totally unexpected. He is really cool and plus good looking. Downfalls, he's 29 and has a gf. The 29 not so bad, but the gf thing i am not... oh well... i tried better than not ya know?

anywho other than that we had a christmas dinner with the apt family not to long ago it was awesome and really fun I am glad we did it, tina came it was super fun. anywho i am gonna go....

Lots of new stuff

Tue, 26 Sep 2006 00:42:46 GMT

Well, crazy weeks have been going on, and it looks like it is not going to stop. I have another job serving now with FBR which is sweet I am excited to make some dollars. It will be awesome. I will love it. I find it funny how things happen, how easily you are replaced, no matter how hard you have worked for something haha. Oh well, things happen for a reason. I just do not think I was meant to be where I thought I should be yet. I have been trying so hard, and still havent gotten anywhere. I guess after a while, I am finally taking a step back and not trying so hard. I think life will be alot better this way.

Live for your dream, but dont let your dream not let you live.

Here is to a new start.

Football

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 02:26:01 GMT

Man I miss football, but I HATE WHEN WE LOSE!!!!

we should have had that. Damn Hall, come on.. you can do better than that!

Hello world, its me, for real this time

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 06:20:57 GMT

Alot has been on my mind lately. I have been thinking about so much stuff, and I really think things are going to be alright now. I am finally starting to stop living for everything else, but for me now. I have gone out said what i needed and now I think things will look up.

I have come to the realization in my life, I am putting "to many eggs in one basket". I have started the correction of that as of friday. I am taking a step back, and rearranging my plans. I no longer have this one track mind. I wanted something to work so bad, but realized I am in a stalemate, and basically pushing against a brick wall thats not going anywhere. I will finally be me....

Also, the more and more I hang out with people and talk to them, the more I miss MD. I love that state, so much of my life is there, like tampa. I have old friends, tons of new ones, and experiences I will never forget. Its so sad not being there anymore, but so much of my life is here. I will forever keep MD with me though...

The all time low kids came to FL this weekend, it was so awesome to see them again. It sucks to be friends with people that you only get to see a few times a year. I mean it is the nature of the beast, but it kinda sucks. We almost got beat up by some crazy lady on the side of the street coming back from McDonalds. Oh man the light wouldnt turn green, she kept yelling and yelling and coming closer.. jack was yelling! It was insane. I will miss those kids, I wont get to see them for a while, then after that not until next year :(...

Well, I will bid you goodnight... :)

yeah.....

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 06:02:29 GMT

Found this interesting....

"Why is it that love hids behind a mask?
One that we can not unveil until it deems we are ready?
Why does this masked player, in the game of emotions, advertise
to us that the rewards of playing are far greater than not.
We accept the terms and engage in the game, and so it begins.
We fight so hard for something we cant even see Yet we still
fight. We fall so easily and with open hearts willing to accept
anything,But yet we are still playing a game within loves rules,
and no matter how well you play, one must lose.
Those few who have won in the game of love, and unmasked its
glory, will tell you the fight is worth every moment,
Every fall, no matter how far, is worth every scream on the way
down. The hope for love at times seems as distant as the stars
in the sky, but yet we still gaze upon those stars, our hope,
and hold on to them with our hearts.So let the mask intruder
captivate your curiosity, engage in its game for love, for
eventually the odds will change and in your favor...."

reading that, there is hope for everyone in everything you do... just hold on to it and you can make it happen... its in the cards :)

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 06:49:26 GMT

you always have to ruin everything dont you? Something good happens, and you turn it shitty. Ok, I know my new thing is just something you gave me as pitty for not being where i should be, but you know what .. that makes me happy. just let me go with it, but no, you want to rain on my parade, and let the others enjoy. I dont know what the FUCK i did to you, but seriously, fuck you.

Well

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 04:23:53 GMT

Well as much as I try not to let this happen, life has decided to let itself get out of my grasp once again.

Usually, in life, I have a good grasp on whats going on and have control of whats going on, BUT lately I have no control. I guess its good that way because It will force me to deal with somethings.

Life is ok.. I am kinda anxious to start school just to have a break from the everyday 12 to 6 or 7 routine. I mean I wouldnt mind the nine to five deal if i was out of school but I unfortunatly have to go.

In november I am going to boston with joel, who is my new city date buddy. lol I kinda wish I was in MD again. I just think I could have done alot up north with music too.. but then again I wouldnt really know who I know now if I did live up there. Its sad I live for my job. It really is.. i mean i live for swimming boats and other activities.. but no matter what I always fall back on my job.. no matter how much (at the time) the job sucks or rules.. it is what I live for. To bad I get the feeling more and more everyday that it will not be a permanent thing.. oh well.. let life lead me where it wish..

the love life, um.. well there is dave but I am not sure.. I mean I love him and hate him all at the same time. we have such a past together which makes it so much easier to fall into but so much harder to avoid. That dream guys ceases to exist. sad but I am losing hope for love all together. Listening to guys talk there is no hope.. and maybe i need to realize that....

actually i think i just need to stop caring anymore.. I have noticed I am not caring about things more and more.. i am not sure if it is a good or bad thing. I mean there are always going to care about certain things but i dont know its weird..

anywho enough relentless rambling, i am not even sure if these sentences are even coherent. doubt it.. goodnight

Looking back

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 04:07:10 GMT

I am writing something to my "List of things todo before I die" tonight and if I look back I have actually done alot on my previous list of things to do....

1.) Been to NYC
2.) Work for a record label
3.) been to cali
4.) learned to surf
5.) kiss in the rain( stupid yes )
6.) go on a road trip ( like a million times over now)
7.) Go to surf and skate ( aka bamboozle)

There are a few more but thats is a chunk of it.. but seriously I am 20! Just turned 20! and I have already accomplished so much. I am in no rush to grow up.. really I am not.. I want to keep adding and completing this list.. Its been fun doing it so far...

Other than looking back on things I have done and plan to do, everything is ok... John gave us a GOLD RECORD from panic at the disco! I swear he is the coolest person I have ever met. He also took us to a baseball game to celebrate ( best pasta yummy)!!!

Work is going like usual, a little more stressful but other than that ok.. I love working there still lol I dont think it will ever be old...

I have signed up for all my classes this fall .. and all I have to say is "SWING DANCING" hell yes!

Update update

Thu, 20 Jul 2006 02:54:48 GMT

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO

well i am here sittin here upset I will not be attending the ATL cd release show in md this weekend. It will save me money but I am missing out on so much... if i could only find 100$ it would be perfect. I wish i would have known about this sooner I could have saved and flown or something. it sucks alot.

today I had my interview with sony, I hope i get it .. I mean it would be a fun job todo and it would be some extra cash. 230$ or more every two weeks. Its solid. I cant wait.. Because if i work at FBR like i did last year i can pay for rent and bank at the same time. If not I have find another job which I am not looking forward to doing. I am trying to stick with the music thing, I love it .. I work well with it ..

Um.. yeah .. boys .. there are no boys that i am interested in .. they are all lame and stupid.

i love copeland.. i just thought I would share that.

anywho goodnight

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 02:46:47 GMT

I am assesing the sit-tu-ation

Well, here I am writing once again in this wonderful livejournal I rarely use.

Tonight, was a decent night, my mom and I had a heart to heart about my entire childhood and my parents divorce, and for the first time I realize alot of things and I am ok with them now. I mean I understand now why I am the way I am, and that I just need to accept that no matter who disagrees. I know there are people in the world I will just butt heads with and there are people in the world who will be my best friends. I am greatful for both of those kinds of people because I know they help me grow as a person. I guess thats what I need, is to learn and grow. I am still young, i need to sit back and watch for a while before I take the wheel.

So i am faced with a dilemma lately, the guys are crazy and coming out of no where I have my past and present all blending into one. I am not sure which to choose or to choose nothing at all. I guess time will tell....

Lately I have been super busy with work and I am doing alot of side work for bands, which I love, its like my hobby I love it. I hope i get this job with sony, I would be so set, working for three different record labels at once. I just dont want to get my hopes up on FBR, like i am way to young and I know i wont get a solid job there until I graduate which wont be for a while. SO here is to building my RESUME! woo! lol

other than that life is good, i just hope everything else stays on this upward track for a while.

I give up

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 05:56:12 GMT

This is it,

I can not win, I have tried so hard to win here, and it never works! Just like everytime I build a foudation, something comes and knocks it the fuck down.

I feel so lost.

Fakes, Liars, and Shittalkers man. That's all there are in this world, you just have to pick the best of them.

I will not deny it, I have been fake, I have lied and I have talked someshit. But I am never so cruel to cross that line.

I don't get it, its like fighting against a steal fucking wall. I am loosing, and bad.

Fuck it anymore, I dont care. Let shit go down the way it is suppose to. I fucking hate this.

Well

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 19:59:50 GMT

Weird being back in the LJ community, I am so busy and forgot all about this thing. I remember I loved writing down all my thoughts and feelings in this thing, now I just let them go.

You know, I have been realizing alot of things lately. I think that things will be good soon. Like I have been realizing, that the path I wanted to go for, might not be the right one. Like, I am just going to let things pan out, I think they will work out. I dont want to dedicate myself to something that might be wrong later on.

Today is kinda sad, I went to 3 days of the JM tour and tonight seems so weird not to be going tonight. I think I want to do that for a while, take some time off of school and go on a full tour or something. Like doin that kinda stuff makes me happy I dont know why. You meet so many people, its just so fun. I really am greatfull for my life, I have been able to experience so much in the past year and a half then I have in my entire life. I mean I am 20 ( well almost) anD I have a long time to go. I just wonder what life can bring in the next few years.

Live for today, and not for tomorrow.

I never write

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 13:11:49 GMT

I never update anymore....

life is becoming routine, i am changing it up....
no one still cares, which is cool... i gave it a shot... i cant change people

Happy one year to me at FBR.

"My life has become a boring pop song, and everyone is singing along"

I know I have written these words before

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 01:08:06 GMT

It's not fair. For dream worlds to flash in front of your eyes for hours at a time then end. It doesnt give me hope, it just makes me believe, and that is what I have been trying to get away from. Those worlds will never collide with this, nor did they ever exist. They why with each reel, with each inch, with each frame, can something steal your world away then break it into a million pieces with two simple words "the end". Ill find my own, my reel will be replayed, and I wont have to ever worry about "the end".

This is going to be a good one...

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 05:35:49 GMT

I love my roommates, I have met so many cool people living with them. They get me and they accept me for who I am unlike some others.*ahem*. I am excited to be living with them for another year, its going to be good.

I feel good about life, I have stopped caring about guys, I am doing good in school, I am suprised, I thought USF would be alot harder. I am not sure If i want to go for an advertising degree or what. I am not sure. Like advertising seems fun, but i am just not sure. I do not want to take the HUGE grammar test that you have to pass to take courses. Its like 200 dollars everytime you take it too. I can not afford that. It sucks. Ill just study hardcore for it.

I have decided to rush a sorority in the fall. I think it will be a fun process, and If i dont get any bids, whatever Ill have tried. It seems fun.

I am getting over the fact that certain people will be and always be douchebags, so I will move on from that. There are cool people and there are fuck heads, and I'll rise above them, they'll see. I am done.

Ok this week, I was deathly sick. I am not lying. I was in class i think it was thursday and i started to like black out and lose feeling in my hands and i was walked by a TA to the clinic, they told me i was on wrong medicine and should go home and rest. The rest of the day things just like went downhill. When I stood up the world would be spinning or like wavy looking. It wasnt right. I couldnt get out of bed without being nauscious or like really unbalanced. Then friday I woke up , and my throat was swollen and I couldnt breathe and I had a fever and sweats and chills. I thought I was dying, and as the day went on it got worse and worse. I looked in my mouth and my throat was the size of a quater, and a disgusting array of reds, greens, and whites. Nasty. Well I waited and waited when to the ER and found out it was going to be until the next morning until i could be seen, so i went home with nyquil and like oded on that stuff to pass out to get rid of the pain. then sat morn i woke up, my throat is now the size of a dime, so I went to the doctor they told me to see, they gave me some medicine, Then I passed out again to ignore the pain. I was like in and out of conscious states since like thursday. I would just fall asleep because the fever was so intense. It was ridiculous. I am almost better, i have a sore throat still and some clogage, but def. an improvement from before.

Anywho, thats my up date. I might not update for a while so I thought I would do a good one.

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 04:45:41 GMT

You know its funny, so many people have told me I am not the same person I was A year ago. I do not have the same mentality as I did back then. I used to be so in love with life and music and everything about it. I guess working in the industry has changed my views about it. I still love the industry and I am going to try and work in it as long as I can, but it seems like I just need a job that keeps me on my toes. My job, though I love it and try to be the best I can at it, is so routine, and if you know me I am anything but routine. I am trying to take as much as I can from my job, I have learned alot about alot of things, and made some friend through the process, but I know my future does not lie with FBR, for many reasons. I love tampa, and would love to live here as long as i can and work for FBR but like things just dont seem like they mesh well with me there, for reasons beyond my control. I just do my job, but that doesnt seem enough. But who knows maybe I am destine to be else where who knows. I am just seeing where life will take me. It could be a long and windy road but you know I am going to love every minute of it. Life is so fun and full of opportunity. You only get one life so life it how you want other wise, whats the point? I feel, older, i dont know why, but I feel alot more understanding of the world now that I am where I am. I have accomplished alot for only being 19. Life is good, I guess, I wish just more exciting.

Another 10 years pass

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 23:21:45 GMT

Well again its been another million years since i have updated...

Well umm life has been good. i am sick. it sucks. i am doing pretty good in school. umm my job is going good. i am having a fun time i guess. umm. yeah

ljs are fading

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 18:09:14 GMT

Well i forget i have this anymore.. i dont think i have updated in quite sometime. Alot has changed since last updagte.

First off i am going to NJ for bamboozle! I am excited! I was invited up by my friends band and we are going to NY and everything I am sooo excited! I have always wanted to go on a trip and do something fun like that! i cannot wait. I will get to have so much fun going up there. Maybe ill run into the FBRcrew when they are up there. Who knows.

Speaking of FBR things have gotten better there. Me and my boss talked. Got things all worked out. Seems to be cool. I am still the young outcast but whatever. Ill be 21 soon enough. There are a bunch of shows coming up soon i cant wait .. the cartel show the acceptance/hellogoodbye show OMG! lol i cannot wait. These are going to be nuts!

Um ... other than that life is good. I got a 99 out of 100 on my stats test then i am waiting for the grade of my first philosophy paper. Umm yeah i like going to USF its cool.

Thats about it..